This just in…
McGullible And Dreich. Renowned independent blenders and bottlers of Inverstroodle announce the ‘greatest luxury whisky in the universe. Ever!’.
We here at M&D have never believed in compromise, never settled for the sub-standard, never lost sight of a vision and never bottled a whisky before. We feel the recent furor over ‘most expensive bottles in the world’ is a folly the whisky industry just cannot afford. It shows great lack of imagination and understanding of what the true elite of this world, the great luxury seekers of our age, truly desire. With a proud history of involvement in the whisky industry (having been the agents for renowned distillery Auchenbowie since February 2011) we feel we are the right people to finally show the world what true whisky eminence is, what heights of luxury the golden Scottish nectar is ultimately capable of anointing.
The whisky industry has for too long forgotten the Russian Steel Oligarchis, the Sheik Oil Barons, the US Software Magnates and the Belgian Shrimp Croquette Tsars. Their noses strained from the stench of blood and money, their hands raw from the toil of lifting lead crystal champagne glasses and their mouths raw from verbally downsizing their companies one employee at a time. The feeble releases from the likes of Macallan and Dalmore are but mere juice boxes to these strained men of commendably intricate financial structures. These bastions of enterprise who for so long have commendably resisted poverty by confining its inconvenient reach to a mere two thirds of the world’s population. These men need something truly exquisite, something real, something unique, something that says “I’m rich bitch!”
Ladies and Gentlemen… McGullible And Dreich proudly introduce…
Thistle Destiny. The perfect bottling for the billionaire in your life.
Presentation: A 50 centiliter demijohn handmade by the loyal workers of Nike and Primark. An inner shell forged from pure adamantium is caressed by a second dressing of platinum leaf marinaded for three years in the tears of gratefully spared executives. Each individual prong of the ‘thistle whisky casket’ is a large African conflict diamond that is then hand turned on a lathe and finished using a mixture of cold fusion and Ronseal ‘All Weather Pitch’. The stopper is a conglomerate of rubies harvested from ancient Mayan burial grounds around a core of moon rock that Buzz Aldrin once used as a keyring in the 80s. The finishing coat is a wear resistant dusting of grated Faberge eggs and Velociraptor eyeballs.
Contents: will be announced at a later date.
Price: £1 000 000 000
This is a bottling that all people, no matter the creed, colour, religion, facebook status or twitter ranking, can believe in, every man or woman can one day, feasibly hope to maybe be in the same room as this bottling or maybe in the same city as it while it is being driven somewhere in a very expensive car. Or maybe they will simply be able to afford a magazine that has its picture somewhere inside. All people can take comfort in the fact that this bottling exists and that, if they too were a muti-billionaire, could also afford it.
Official sensory explorations by Angus W Apfelstrudel (faxed from an unknown tax haven near the Pakistan/Afghan border)
Colour: None. And yet somehow all of them. Does perfection have a colour, can perfection have a colour? I am a small man in this universe (not as small as most though lets face it) next to such an object.
Standing 5 feet away from decanter: The room is in motion and yet everything around the sacred object is still, I feel beauty within arms reach and yet I feel ashamed to touch it.
3 feet from decanter: It reminds me of those five minutes I once spent in the back of a Ford Mondeo with Shirley Bassey (she didn’t like the burley chassis jokes but hey, I wasn’t on the tasting stand then, you get what you pay for). The air thickens, the pulse quickens and the trouser stiffens…
1 foot from decanter: I am blind, and yet I can see the endless vista of infinity stretching out before me. And the barcode.
Actually touching, yes touching, the bloody thing!!!: There is a God. And he’s saying to me, “Gus, how did you pull it all off?”
Comments: This decanter is really something else… hang on there’s some Navy Seals at the door, back in a tick…
Comments from Press and Retail:
John Gretel of leading US publication Malt & Advocat says: “Dude! This is fucked up! Pass me my M16!”
Jasper Clementine of renowned French website WhiskyBling.com says: “Holy shit! And I just wasted all that money on a fifteenth Ducatti and a collection of vintage Omegas.”
Giles Humbrecht, leading English winemaker, Loch Dhu collector and outspoken critic of natural yeast strains and spontaneous fermentation says: “If only they had used more distillers yeast this would be the best whisky in the world.”
Jim Sweep, leading Scottish whisky writer and treasurer of international charity Beard Action says: “If I smell this again my mustache will fall off!”
Luc Timberman, famed Belgian whisky philanthropist says: “This bottling is good but you should see the twelve cases of Malt Mill, Parkmore and Dalantober that I just bought from a monk in Dublin for €3.75.”
Beert Giro, infamous Ardbeg collector says: “I took one look at this bottling and immediately burned my shitty Ardbeg collection.”
Giuseppe Spaghetti of famed Italian whisky grotto Whisky Facsimile says: “I already have 12 of these.”
Martin New-age, world famous French whisky writer, top chef and social networking guru says: “I wish I hadn’t just used my sample in an aubergine and seaweed crumble. But merde does it have zing!”
Dwaine Lightningrod of Blackpool based whisky support group Whisky Phoneline says: “Where’s my fuckin’ allocation?!”
Peat McPeat says: “Incredible nose, crystalised damsons, hints of aged marmite, caraway liqueur, zesty motor oil from a Triumph TR5, vintage camphor, elongated lavender… ”
Jack Washback says: “Shut the fuck up Peat!”
Johannes Van-spam’Hoover, leader of the Malt Geriatrics, international sex symbol and founder Amsterdam based club Pot Madness says: “This whisky is too cheap!”
Bill Murray, author of the Malt Quran says: “For relaxing times, make it McGullible & Driech times.”
Sukhinder Binge of famous soho bar The Whisky Sex Change says: “Thank God I bought all the stock before the press conference was over!”
Michael Jackson (speaking through our in house Medium) said: “I was never happy with the bassline on Thriller.”
See The Bottling In Person…
Thistle Destiny will be touring notable whisky destinations from July 2011 through December 2012. Book tickets now for this summer’s first viewing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. You will actually be able to see the bottling, all that will stand between you will be six inches of bullet proof plexiglass and 72 lethally armed trained killers. Tickets are available from all reputable whisky merchants, bloggers and Tescos priced £300*.
*Does not include travel, accommodation, food, insurance, water, protection, polite or respectable treatment or directions. We reserve all rights to take your picture, quote you out of context, have you thrown out by any force deemed necessary, misrepresent you, leave you behind, hack you social networking accounts, make prank phone calls to you family regarding you dying in harrowing circumstances and refuse you entry without any semblance of reason. The team at M&D look forward to seeing you.
Good luck and God Bless
The team at McGullible & Dreich
(end of press release)