This just in…

McGullible And Dreich. Renowned independent blenders and bottlers of Inverstroodle announce the ‘greatest luxury whisky in the universe. Ever!’.

The dedicated team at McGullible & Dreich.

We here at M&D have never believed in compromise, never settled for the sub-standard, never lost sight of a vision and never bottled a whisky before. We feel the recent furor over ‘most expensive bottles in the world’ is a folly the whisky industry just cannot afford. It shows great lack of imagination and understanding of what the true elite of this world, the great luxury seekers of our age, truly desire. With a proud history of involvement in the whisky industry (having been the agents for renowned distillery Auchenbowie since February 2011) we feel we are the right people to finally show the world what true whisky eminence is, what heights of luxury the golden Scottish nectar is ultimately capable of anointing.

The whisky industry has for too long forgotten the Russian Steel Oligarchis, the Sheik Oil Barons, the US Software Magnates and the Belgian Shrimp Croquette Tsars. Their noses strained from the stench of blood and money, their hands raw from the toil of lifting lead crystal champagne glasses and their mouths raw from verbally downsizing their companies one employee at a time. The feeble releases from the likes of Macallan and Dalmore are but mere juice boxes to these strained men of commendably intricate financial structures. These bastions of enterprise who for so long have commendably resisted poverty by confining its inconvenient reach to a mere two thirds of the world’s population. These men need something truly exquisite, something real, something unique, something that says “I’m rich bitch!”

Ladies and Gentlemen… McGullible And Dreich proudly introduce…

Thistle Destiny. The perfect bottling for the billionaire in your life.

Presentation: A 50 centiliter demijohn handmade by the loyal workers of Nike and Primark. An inner shell forged from pure adamantium is caressed by a second dressing of platinum leaf marinaded for three years in the tears of gratefully spared executives. Each individual prong of the ‘thistle whisky casket’ is a large African conflict diamond that is then hand turned on a lathe and finished using a mixture of cold fusion and Ronseal ‘All Weather Pitch’. The stopper is a conglomerate of rubies harvested from ancient Mayan burial grounds around a core of moon rock that Buzz Aldrin once used as a keyring in the 80s. The finishing coat is a wear resistant dusting of grated Faberge eggs and Velociraptor eyeballs.

Contents: will be announced at a later date.

Outrun: 1

Price: £1 000 000 000

A genuine image of the actual bottle.

This is a bottling that all people, no matter the creed, colour, religion, facebook status or twitter ranking, can believe in, every man or woman can one day, feasibly hope to maybe be in the same room as this bottling or maybe in the same city as it while it is being driven somewhere in a very expensive car. Or maybe they will simply be able to afford a magazine that has its picture somewhere inside. All people can take comfort in the fact that this bottling exists and that, if they too were a muti-billionaire, could also afford it.

Official sensory explorations by Angus W Apfelstrudel (faxed from an unknown tax haven near the Pakistan/Afghan border)

Colour: None. And yet somehow all of them. Does perfection have a colour, can perfection have a colour? I am a small man in this universe (not as small as most though lets face it) next to such an object.

Standing 5 feet away from decanter: The room is in motion and yet everything around the sacred object is still, I feel beauty within arms reach and yet I feel ashamed to touch it.

3 feet from decanter: It reminds me of those five minutes I once spent in the back of a Ford Mondeo with Shirley Bassey (she didn’t like the burley chassis jokes but hey, I wasn’t on the tasting stand then, you get what you pay for). The air thickens, the pulse quickens and the trouser stiffens…

1 foot from decanter: I am blind, and yet I can see the endless vista of infinity stretching out before me. And the barcode.

Actually touching, yes touching, the bloody thing!!!: There is a God. And he’s saying to me, “Gus, how did you pull it all off?”

Comments: This decanter is really something else… hang on there’s some Navy Seals at the door, back in a tick…

Score: Undelivered.

Angus W Apfelstrudel conducting a tasting at a recent press conference.

Comments from Press and Retail:

John Gretel of leading US publication Malt & Advocat says: “Dude! This is fucked up! Pass me my M16!”

Jasper Clementine of renowned French website WhiskyBling.com says: “Holy shit! And I just wasted all that money on a fifteenth Ducatti and a collection of vintage Omegas.”

Giles Humbrecht, leading English winemaker, Loch Dhu collector and outspoken critic of natural yeast strains and spontaneous fermentation says: “If only they had used more distillers yeast this would be the best whisky in the world.”

Jim Sweep, leading Scottish whisky writer and treasurer of international charity Beard Action says: “If I smell this again my mustache will fall off!”

Luc Timberman, famed Belgian whisky philanthropist says: “This bottling is good but you should see the twelve cases of Malt Mill, Parkmore and Dalantober that I just bought from a monk in Dublin for €3.75.”

Beert Giro, infamous Ardbeg collector says: “I took one look at this bottling and immediately burned my shitty Ardbeg collection.”

Giuseppe Spaghetti of famed Italian whisky grotto Whisky Facsimile says: “I already have 12 of these.”

Martin New-age, world famous French whisky writer, top chef and social networking guru says: “I wish I hadn’t just used my sample in an aubergine and seaweed crumble. But merde does it have zing!”

Dwaine Lightningrod of Blackpool based whisky support group Whisky Phoneline says: “Where’s my fuckin’ allocation?!”

Peat McPeat says: “Incredible nose, crystalised damsons, hints of aged marmite, caraway liqueur, zesty motor oil from a Triumph TR5, vintage camphor, elongated lavender… ”

Jack Washback says: “Shut the fuck up Peat!”

Johannes Van-spam’Hoover, leader of the Malt Geriatrics, international sex symbol and founder Amsterdam based club Pot Madness says: “This whisky is too cheap!”

Bill Murray, author of the Malt Quran says: “For relaxing times, make it McGullible & Driech times.”

Sukhinder Binge of famous soho bar The Whisky Sex Change says: “Thank God I bought all the stock before the press conference was over!”

Michael Jackson (speaking through our in house Medium) said: “I was never happy with the bassline on Thriller.”

See The Bottling In Person…

Thistle Destiny will be touring notable whisky destinations from July 2011 through December 2012. Book tickets now for this summer’s first viewing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. You will actually be able to see the bottling, all that will stand between you will be six inches of bullet proof plexiglass and 72 lethally armed trained killers. Tickets are available from all reputable whisky merchants, bloggers and Tescos priced £300*.

*Does not include travel, accommodation, food, insurance, water, protection, polite or respectable treatment or directions. We reserve all rights to take your picture, quote you out of context, have you thrown out by any force deemed necessary, misrepresent you, leave you behind, hack you social networking accounts, make prank phone calls to you family regarding you dying in harrowing circumstances and refuse you entry without any semblance of reason. The team at M&D look forward to seeing you.

Good luck and God Bless

The team at McGullible & Dreich

May 2011.

(end of press release)

So, we’ve come to the end of this little Campbeltown trip. It wasn’t comprehensive, or in depth and it took several days longer than a week but apart from that I’d say it was generally successful. Anything that allows me to drink nice whisky here in South America I consider a highly worthwhile venture. The reason this ‘series’ of sorts has been a little more staggered than I intended is due to the effort it took to get to where I am currently residing, La Paz, Bolivia. It was frustrating to get here and I’ll spare you all the details but due to industrial strike action, which has strangled the roads and bus routes on both sides of the Boliva/Peru border, I found it necessary to take a 10 hour boat across the stunning Lake Titicaca. The boat was very slow, traveling at speeds only just in excess of backwards and it managed to break down twice. I also managed to get sunburned while inside the boat, I foolishly dozed off near a window and was awoken out of pity by a Peruvian woman who had obviously tired of watching my face stray through the ‘toasted scot’ colour spectrum. I should not be surprised though, being Scottish I have a natural ability to achieve sunburn in even the most trying circumstances, indoors at 3 am in winter is not unheard of. Long exposure to lava lamps can lead to skin cancer in some extreme cases.

But I digress. For this last tasting I saved the best till last, at least I suspect it is the best till last. Today we’ll have a pair of sherried, cask strength Springbanks. I really think that above all other distilleries in Scotland, Springbank is the only one still producing a genuine and authentically old style whisky. The last time I visited the distillery was the open day which was nearly a year ago today. I was struck by the efforts put into the production, the long fermentations that stop at 4% instead of 8% alcohol, the variety of casks used and the intelligence with which they were deployed, not just dull and pointless finishing but complete maturation and double maturation methods that create much more interesting results. The use of locally grown bere barley, floor malted by hand and dried using a variety of peating levels, the use of direct firing on the wash still. All these aspects combined make a much more distinctive and, dare I say it, artisanal whisky than most other modern distillers could dream of. Most of these production methods have been reintroduced and exercised regularly since the mid nineties which explains the mighty leap in quality of most Springbank bottlings in recent years. If they maintain these practices then hopefully Springbank will remain an old school oasis in a desert of mediocrity for years to come. Thinking about the future of most distilleries when looking at their current products is often a deflating experience, with Springbank and its trilogy of distillates it is positively thrilling to imagine how these stocks will develop over the next two decades. Anyway, enough waffle, lets drink (I mean professionally analyse) some whisky…

I don't have any pictures of the 1997 batch 1 bottling but I imagine it was matured in casks very similar to these ones.

Springbank 1997 OB. Batch no 1. Bottled 2007. 11000 bottles. 55.2%. 70cl.

Colour: Runny Honey

Nose: Briny, farmy and thick at first with big notes of treacle, baked apples, old rope, dunnage warehouse, bandages and several other soft medicinal complexities. This seems to touch every point of the flavour compass to a certain degree and is extremely approachable at full strength. Now it becomes beautifully fruity with notes of fresh melon, green bananas, sultanas, figs and apple peelings. More coastal elements begin to emerge with time as do some very nice, nippy peppery notes, it just seems to keep on developing, I’m not sure I want to add water but I suppose I’d better try and maintain some semblance of professionalism…  With water it gets drier, smokier and leafier with some notes of grass, bonfire,  hessian, wax and menthol, this is so old school, I’m really impressed. Now it starts it throw up all kinds of distillery aromas like pot ale, wort and yeasty fermentation notes. It could be just a little too bitter but the fruitiness holds everything together. Fantastic!

Palate: Neat this a no holds barred oilfest, bags of garden fruits, coastal freshness, salty preserved lemons, creosote, tar, old boilers, some vital minerality, camphor, peat, red fruits and dry, nutty sherryness (a word?).  The sherry is remarkably clean, there is a faint hint of something potentially dirty but comes across more as a wonderful resinous earthy note, I really like it. Becomes slightly minty and leafy with time. Spectacularly old style in its nature, it reminds me to an extent of some old spring cap White Horse blends from the 40s and 50s, and that is really saying something. With water: more oiliness, big notes of menthol, creosote, tobacco, gentle ‘fat’ peatiness and something very resinous and waxy in the background. Still like an ancient peaty blend if you ask me.

Finish: Long and really fruity with more menthol, coal, soft peats and coastal citrus aspects.

Comments: There are so many bottlings by Springbank in recent years that, with twenty or so years in glass, will be world beating drams. Who said old school distillates were dead? This is like a blast from the past. I have tried this one before and I remember liking it but not to this extent, maybe this is a dram that really requires concentration, a clean palate and a lot of time in the glass to really ‘get it’. But then again you could probably say that about any whisky.

Score: 91/100

Springbank 15yo. ‘Fossicker’s Cask’. OB for Fossicker’s Society. Cask 537. 56.8%.  70cl.

I don’t have much more info for this bottling. It was done for a private club called the ‘Fossicker’s’ which seems to be a group of Edinburgh based chums who like to drink whisky and get up to mischief. One of their members is an old friend of my Dad’s which is how we acquired this particular bottle. I haven’t seen it anywhere else and, being a private cask, I suspect most bottles have been consumed by now, so these notes may end up being completely useless. Sorry about that.

Colour: Amber

Nose: Thicker and oilier at first than the 97, more notes of orange liqueur, toffee, whisky fudge and nuts. Still very typical Springabank and feels like it could be a cask strength version of the OB 15yo. Natural caramel, dates, motor oil, an earthy farminess and some more subdued coastal aromas. Again this is very approachable for a cask strength dram and really shows lots of distillery character with well balanced, discreet sherry qualities. The sherry is very clean with those same nice earthy, tobacco notes in the background. Hints of rotting orange peel begin to arise but they seem to work quite well, it makes for a very interesting profile. It is globally quite similar on the nose but with more concentration and less complexity than the 97. With water: it gets amazingly fresh and expressive, full on coastal aroma now with bags of citrus notes, mint, earthy forest notes, dried fruits and nutmeg.

Palate: Again, wonderful delivery at cask strength but with a big blast of mentholated, fruity peat. Its quite amazing how similar these two drams are, same old style qualities that remind me of many great old peaty blends from decades back. Lovely development on gentle, oily coastal notes followed by bags of phenolic fruits like tinned pineapple, more melon, ripe banana and, again that distinctive sultana note, really impressive stuff. It’s still not as complex as the 97 but it really makes up for it with focus and intensity of flavour. With Water: still remarkably oily when taken down to +/-46%. Again that freshness is well in evidence, great connection between the palate and the nose. Some floral notes of geraniums, gin, aloe vera and coriander come through now but still with a wonderfully soft peatiness in the background. Ok enough of this nonsense!

Finish: Long and oily, very similar to the 97 in other aspects.

Comments: David can we have another bottle of this please! Lucky Fossicking bastards! Other than that the same comments as the 97 apply here.

Score: I can’t decide between the two so it’ll be 91/100 again.

Thanks to David and to Dad for this one.

Before we go lets do that usual sacrilege blending thing again…

An equal mix of both is a savage blast of Springbankiness. As usual with these things the best aspects of both seem to be magnified. Though there are some massive notes of chocolate and boot polish that weren’t there before, I wonder how that happened. Otherwise its as peaty, coastal, oily and brilliant as you’d expect. A pair of stunning drams if you ask me, I can only imagine what these casks will be like when they have another 18-20 years behind them, Local Barley all over again dare I say?

Hazelburn is a curious spirit. Produced regularly at Springbank since 1997 and triple distilled, it sounds like a recipe for grand success. But it hasn’t been, not really, not in the sense that Longrow and Springbank have both generated cult followings. The fault arguably lies in the spirit itself, none of the bottlings have so far been mind boggling, it is unpeated and triple distilled, a bad recipe for young whisky, these are aspects that cry out for age to fortify them and afford them the correct time to bloom. What strikes me most about the Hazelburns I have tried so far is the dislocation between nose and palate. Most of them perform beautifully on the nose, clearly Campbeltown in origin, coastal yet softer and more citrus in style. You can never get the peat out of stills like those at Springbank and it shows in Hazelburn, for all its claims to be unpeated and triple distilled it remains distinctly robust for a ‘lighter’ style malt. Then you take a sip and something seems to happen, all that promise seems to come undone, not drastically, they are still fine malts, its just that odd flavours usually start to appear, all too often that rotten orange peel note, the one that seems to dog Longrow on occasion, will surface.

A complete set of the first editions of Hazelburn launched back in 2005.

That said, Hazelburn is clearly good whisky. Whenever I try it all I get is the feeling that there is something special just waiting to happen inside the glass. The answer is, as we already touched on, time, pure and simple. Unlike Longrow’s ability to show so well at younger ages (as in the great CV), Hazelburn shares something of Springbank’s occasional need to get some age behind it in order to shine. I can’t imagine how there won’t be some stunning examples of Hazelburn in 10-15 years time, everything feels right, all the dominoes are in place, they just happen to still be falling that is all. So really, if there is a fault, it lies with us and not Hazelburn, we are an impatient breed we whisky nerds. The good people at Springbank clearly understand this as we have been spared a raft of pointless finishes and laughable dabblings in silly wood technology. We have been offered snapshots of an evolving spirit so far, they know full well to leave it otherwise alone and let time do the necessary graft to get it up to its full potential. I like Hazelburn and I think it is one of the properly exciting new malts of recent years, unlike so many heavily peated variants that are forever being touted as exciting, this is a genuine labour of love on Springbank’s behalf and a whisky that is evolving at a pace that suggests true rewards later on. In short: Hazelburn may smell like Diet Springbank, but it really reeks of potential.

Hazelburn 8yo. OB. ‘Cask Strength’. Bottled 2010. 56%. 70cl.

I really thought I took a picture of this one when I got the sample but evidently not according to my hard drive. Sorry.

Colour: Gold with a greenish tinge.

Nose: Dusty and green with many cereal qualities but also notes of honey, chutney(?), mead, marmalade and some very elegant coastal notes. Quite orangey and fruity despite the high alcohol and triple distillation. Given time it starts to betray its lightness with notes of honeysuckle, flowers, seabreeze, candy floss and mint. So far this is pretty delightful really, none of the awkwardness that has befallen many other Hazelburns, it speaks very clearly of Campbeltown. With water: it throws up some interesting notes of lavender and violets, ala 1980’s Bowmore, but nothing like as extreme as that. Fragrant soaps, very floral, cola cubes, cherry lips, quite confectionery really. Moves on to become more biscuity with notes of digestive, shortbread and caramel wafers, then desiccated cocoanut and Tunnock’s snowballs. (Man I could go for one of those right now!)

Palate: Gah, big alcohol. Some notes of furniture polish, wood shavings, pine air freshener and strawberry jam. Needs water… much better, settles down with some nice notes of resin, camphor, green tea, mint leaves, sawdust, a little paraffin and rosewater. Not quite as stellar as on the nose at first but still a fine dram and surprisingly mature for eight years. Develops more honey and something a little vegetal like a tequila note, Hazelburn slammers anyone? The coastal aspects become quieter with time.

Finish: Brunt toast, butter, a little bitter but with a decent length.

Comments: See all that stuff I wrote above. This one is a perfect example of that Hazelburn ‘problem’, not that it’s really a problem. I can’t wait till this is 18 years old.

Score: 80/100

Next time we’ll go back to Springbank. (Not that we really left it mind you.)